Bless me father for I have sinned...

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to
the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said:
"Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the
Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if
you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Fatest Thing

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Gujarati from India.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know?"

Dave, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.

"Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on Yep, Turning on a LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Patel, the Guy from India, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Patel replied, (in his Gujju accent!) "Apter herring da 3 prebius ansers sir, et's obius to me dat the fastest thing is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats...

"Oh, I can expleyn sir," said Patel.

"You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was pheeling bad and so I run so fast to the baatrum,, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I alredi done it !"

Patel is now the new "Office Manager" at Wal-Mart in Washington.

Advice for an Old Guy...

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in...

I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby." :o

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Shock!

A father put his three year old daughter to bed,
told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying
"God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and
listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
he stayed there, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.


When he got home his wife said
"I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened HERE.
He asked "What"??????

She said "This morning our neighbor James suddenly died."

The Psychiatrist and the Bartender

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my
bed at night.

So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . 'I've got problems.

Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared..
I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist.

'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid
of those fears..'

How much do you charge?'

Eighty pounds per visit,' replied the expert.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later, he met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come
to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty quid a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money!

A bartender cured me for £10. I was so happy to have saved all that
money that I went and bought myself a new car!'

'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'


FORGET THOSE LEARNED DOCTORS..."licensed to steal your money."..

GO HAVE A BEER & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER FOR ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.

$7.00 Sex - Economic Lesson

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' 

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' 

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he a agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
                    
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

 This happens several weeks in a row.

 Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
                    
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house. 

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

Care to pay to watch?'