Buck

Who in the hell is BUCK?

Well, BUCK is the guy who gets home late one night and BUCKY, his wife, says

"Where the hell have you been?" BUCK replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"
 

"A tattoo"? BUCKY frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
 

"I got a hundred dollar Note on my dick" BUCK said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? BUCKY said, shaking her head in disgust.

"Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar Note tattooed on his dick?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
BUCK is in St. Marys, ICU, Room 233.

Psychology and Law.....

A guy asked a girl in a library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was
embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's
table and said: "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I
guess you felt embarrassed right?

The guy responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered
in her ears; "I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty."

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. They've no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arse-hole - and they are interchangeable' 

How to Keep a Woman Happy

It's really not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a man
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a bug exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments frequently
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Never stress her
50. Never look at other women!

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space

VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* her favorite color
* her favorite flower
* her favorite gem
* her favorite fragrance
* her favorite memories
* her favorite holidays
* her favorite friends
* her favorite vacation destinations
* her favorite beverage
* her favorite food * her favorite restaurant
* any arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 

Leave him alone!!!!

Growing Old

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it..'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries..' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

 

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

 

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment and asks, 'Where's my toast ?'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

 

 

 

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

 

What to Wear for your Tax Appointment?

A man who had been called to testify at the Income Tax Department asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his pastor, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the pastor. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice, 'Wear your most revealing negligee, a nice V-neck.'

Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the Income Tax Department?"

"Simple," replied the Pastor. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're gonna get screwed anyway."

Working After Retirement

My one day of employment after retiring...

 

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.....

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be fucking stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 7, and the other one' s 5. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam... I just couldn't believe someone screwed you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."

My Supervisor said that I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.