Elderly Driver

 

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

 

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

 

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

 

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Men

A man was granted two wishes by God,
He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever.
Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.

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There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened!

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Wives are magicians.
They can change anything into an argument

 

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"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

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I WILL THINK ABOUT IT:

When a married man says, I'll think about it - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

 

TALKING IN SLEEP:

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"

The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!

 

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE:

Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children.

I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

 

Organ Transplant - Never Easy

Golfer's Medical Problem

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer:  (scroll down)

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"every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

A Humour a day keeps the Boredom away....

I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in,
She said: Cheque books.

*****
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

*****
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

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Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

*****
Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute
and then expects your pulse to be normal.

*****
Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

*****
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

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Q: What's the difference between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

*****
Q: Singh enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and
closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
A: Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.

*****
What's the difference between a good secretary and a personal secretary?
One says "Good morning, boss". The other says "It's morning, boss."

Still Funny :) :) :) :)

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all. 

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Put a piece of Rubber

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus..... so shut the hell up.'

Signs of Times

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
 

Guitar, for sale ... Cheap ... no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:

Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

Seen on a bulletin board:

 

Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.
 

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking ... I Gave Up Reading.

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses ...
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick! Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.

 Sign In A Bar:

'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.' 

Sign In Driving School:

If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.

 Sign in a shop corner introducing new products:

Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.

Sign in a Hospital ward:

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone.

 

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon:

We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.  

A Traffic Slogan:

Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough
Or Else They Will Never Be.

Sign In A Restaurant:

All Drinking Water In This Establishment
Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlour Window:

Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here.
She May Be Your Grandmother!

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.