Thursday, December 27, 2012

Tequilahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!


A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to
the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it..
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the
keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the
jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:


First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila in 60 seconds or less, and you can't
make a face while doing it."
 
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove
that tooth with your bare hands."
 
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care
of that problem."
 
 
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd
have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn
tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down
both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the
people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -then,
nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now... where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Where Would You Be?

WHERE WOULD YOU BE...


IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES.


IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES.


IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL WAS AWAITING YOU.


IF - YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN.


IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS & PETS.


IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?


SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE ?


Well....... HELLOOooo !!!!!!!


You'd be at the
WRONG FUCKIN' HOUSE

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Elderly Driver

 
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
 
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
 
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
 
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Monday, December 17, 2012

Men

A man was granted two wishes by God,
He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever.
Next moment he got
mineral water & Mother Teresa.

**********

There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.

Rest get married and wonder what happened!

**********

Wives are magicians.
They can change anything into an argument
 
**********
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"


"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

**********

I WILL THINK ABOUT IT:
When a married man says, I'll think about it - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
 
TALKING IN SLEEP:
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!
 
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE:
Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children.
I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?
 

Organ Transplant - Never Easy

Golfer's Medical Problem

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer:  (scroll down)

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"every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

A Humour a day keeps the Boredom away....

I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in,
She said: Cheque books.

*****
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

*****
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

*****
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

*****
Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute
and then expects your pulse to be normal.

*****
Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

*****
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

*****
Q: What's the difference between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

*****
Q: Singh enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and
closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
A: Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.

*****
What's the difference between a good secretary and a personal secretary?
One says "Good morning, boss". The other says "It's morning, boss."