How the Chinese stay put in Italy

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy . Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would have to leave.
 
The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So they picked an old man named Ah Pek to represent them.

 
As Ah Pek was not conversant in Italian language, he asked for one condition to be added to the debate.
'To be fair', he said, 'neither side would be allowed to talk'.

The Pope agreed.

On the day of the big debate, Ah Pek and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute.

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed
three fingers.
Ah Pek looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Ah Pek pointed to the ground at where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine.
Ah Pek pulled out an apple.
 
The Pope stood up and said: 'I give up. This man is too good in religious knowledge. The Chinese can stay.'


An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.


The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.


Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.


I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin.

He had an answer for everything. What could I do??'


Meanwhile, the Chinese community also crowded around Ah Pek and asked him what's happened in the debate.


'Well', said Ah Pek. 'First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I raised my third finger and asked him to f*@k off, and that none of us was leaving.


Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here.'


'Yes, and then???' asked the crowd.

'I don't know', said Ah Pek, 'He took out his lunch, and I took out mine.'

The Italian Virginity Test

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.

His doctor says ... "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~ a very small can of Red paint, a very small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."

Mario asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies ... "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.


If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen !',
..........you hit her with the Shovel.

Singapore Airlines

Mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines
from Singapore to New York.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
' If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes
have baby planes ?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight
attendant,

' If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes
have baby planes ?'

The flight attendant responded, ' Did your mother tell you to ask me
that ?' The little boy admitted that she did.

Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time.


Now, let your mother explain that to you !

True Facts ......

1. Life without Friends is like Boobs Without Nipples... POINTLESS !

 2. A Fact: Fuck a woman and she Loves you... Love a woman and she Fucks you !

 3. MBBS Final Exam question paper: Fill in the blanks. If a woman faints, we must first check her pu_s_.  Only few students who wrote: 'Pulse' passed !

 4. The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls. They are sentenced to: Hang Till Death !

5. Boy: How much Calcium is there in women's BREASTS?
Girl: Enough to help a Man's Boneless Thing stand up !

 6. Give an example of Total Business Failure due to Negligence...
A Pregnant Prostitute !

 7. If Necessity is the Mother of Invention, then.. Frustration is the Father of Masturbation !

 8. If your Boss says: Nothing is Impossible, ask him to wear condom after sex....!!

Tequilahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to
the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it..

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the
keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the
jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila in 60 seconds or less, and you can't
make a face while doing it."

 

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove
that tooth with your bare hands."

 

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care
of that problem."

 

 

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd
have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn
tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down
both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the
people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -then,
nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now... where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

Why Worry?

Where Would You Be?

WHERE WOULD YOU BE...


IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES.


IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES.


IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL WAS AWAITING YOU.


IF - YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN.


IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS & PETS.


IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?


SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE ?


Well....... HELLOOooo !!!!!!!


You'd be at the
WRONG FUCKIN' HOUSE

Elderly Driver

 

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

 

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

 

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

 

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Men

A man was granted two wishes by God,
He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever.
Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.

**********

There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened!

**********

Wives are magicians.
They can change anything into an argument

 

**********
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

**********

I WILL THINK ABOUT IT:

When a married man says, I'll think about it - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

 

TALKING IN SLEEP:

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"

The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!

 

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE:

Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children.

I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

 

Organ Transplant - Never Easy

Golfer's Medical Problem

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer:  (scroll down)

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-
--
"every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

A Humour a day keeps the Boredom away....

I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in,
She said: Cheque books.

*****
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

*****
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

*****
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

*****
Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute
and then expects your pulse to be normal.

*****
Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

*****
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

*****
Q: What's the difference between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

*****
Q: Singh enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and
closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
A: Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.

*****
What's the difference between a good secretary and a personal secretary?
One says "Good morning, boss". The other says "It's morning, boss."

Still Funny :) :) :) :)

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all. 

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Put a piece of Rubber

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus..... so shut the hell up.'

Signs of Times

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
 

Guitar, for sale ... Cheap ... no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:

Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

Seen on a bulletin board:

 

Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.
 

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking ... I Gave Up Reading.

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses ...
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick! Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.

 Sign In A Bar:

'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.' 

Sign In Driving School:

If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.

 Sign in a shop corner introducing new products:

Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.

Sign in a Hospital ward:

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone.

 

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon:

We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.  

A Traffic Slogan:

Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough
Or Else They Will Never Be.

Sign In A Restaurant:

All Drinking Water In This Establishment
Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlour Window:

Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here.
She May Be Your Grandmother!

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Ecstasy !!!

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards. .... Forwards then backwards. .... Back and forth... back and forth... In and out, in and out.... Her heart was now pounding faster, her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally exhausted she let out one almighty scream!!!

!

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

"OK !... OK!... I CANT park the fucking car! You do it you SMUG BASTARD!"

Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

You can't beat a Gujaratik

A Gujarati and a Sindhi entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the Sindhi stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, Sindhi said to Gujarati: "Man I'm the best
thief, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me You can't beat that."

Gujarati replied: "You want see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."

So they went to the counter and the Gujarati said to the Shopkeeper: "Do you want to see magic ?" The Shopkeeper replied: "Yes."

The Gujarati said: "Give me one chocolate bar." The Shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.

The Gujarati asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic ?"

The Gujarati replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."

U Just CAN'T Beat A Gujarati !!

Disgracing the Family

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
 

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
 

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your Assets; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
 

He is going to try to put his hand somewhere inappropriate; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
 

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
 

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
 

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
 

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Brilliant Boss

Be careful when your boss writes a glowing letter about you Was this a clever boss or what? LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION: Phineas Dlamini   1 Phineas Dlamini, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Phineas works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Phineas never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Phineas is an individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Phineas can be 10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Phineas be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible.   Addendum The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines

Men Just Don't Listen

Wanda's dishwasher was broken, so she called in a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,

"I will leave the key under the mat.  Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.  Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike.  He won't bother you."

 

 

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!

 

 

I must stress to you: "DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!"

 

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!' 
 

To which the parrot yelled, 'Get him Spike!'...

See - Men just don't listen!