Financial Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his fatherand working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his cancer stricken father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

 
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her,

"But in just a few months my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Trust Me

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

 

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

 

'Good morning,' said the young man.

 

'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

 

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...

''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

 

LOL.....

AH

A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for
shooting through a red light.

The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's
ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.The tirade goes on without the officer saying a dickybird.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.

The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and When presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know What it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're An arsehole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record And he has a heap of demerits and is in danger of losing his license, So he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a Reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and Mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," Underlined.""What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his
own client~~~~

Letter Spacing

Earthly English and importance of spacing !!.
 

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
 

She sent him a 'Thank you note on email'.
 

Boss' wife read the mail and filed for divorce in court
 

The mails says: 'Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and firm strokes. Initially its tip was to be licked to bring to working order & it is equally good on both sides. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I've always desired for it and you fulfilled my wish. At last it is mine and mine for ever. Thanks a lot"
 

Moral: space is an essential part in English. And so is personal spell-check for typing errors

4 Kind of Sex

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

Help the British Economy

Dr. Marc Faber, the investment guru, concluded his monthly bulletin with the following comments.

Dr. Marc Faber tells it how it is

"The government is sending each of us a £500 rebate. If we spend that money at Marks & Spencers, the money goes to the Jews. If we spend it on petrol it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer, it will go to The Republic of Ireland and India. If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to France, Spain and Italy. If we purchase a good car, it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless crap, it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the British economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the UK.

I've been doing my part..... and you?"

Best Engine!

"The best engine in the world is the vagina.

It can be started with one finger, but at times when it is hot, it will start spontaneously - so be careful!

It is self-lubricating - saves a lot of money!

It takes any size piston - be it big or small, long or short, straight or crooked.And it is self-servicing by changing oil once every four weeks, but if it doesn't, you better look for a temporary replacement.

It is only a pity that the engine control system is so fucking temperamental. Sometimes it won't start no matter how many fingers.

Such engines do not last though. It needs many fingers to start once it reaches 40.

It loses power by the time it is 50. Its time to get a new one when it is over 50"